why is it so difficult to write this out?

ed research class:

narrative research on self. should be easy, right? um, nope! the irony here for me is that I've spent so much time doing reflective writing. and I can't come up with the analysis on myself. it's just so hard. part of this has to do with switching gears from "I feel" to "my research shows" - that's just tough.

but...i am cheered. i do think (even in this process of sloughing through) thought is going on!!! whoo hoo. in my first analysis that I did on someone else, it actually made sense and was acceptable. somehow the motifs of life are easier seen on someone else than they are on self. i was really really nervous when my subject read my analysis. but it turned out pretty decently. so this hard work is totally worth the ethical agonizing...and in this case, the personal mirror gazing....

in my interview, I kept excusing myself, "I didn't know." or "nobody told me". that last one  is so prevalent that part of my title (at least in this draft) is "No One Told Me: Mythologies and Responsibilities, A Personal Narrative"

one great thing about this research format though is one set of data isn't good enough. so i also had to interview the person who interviewed me to get his themes from the process. and so when I have my excuses like "nobody told me", he could easily call me on it from my biography!

so this is important. if i want life to be different than how it's gone down so far, i have to be in charge of it. i have to make choices and moves. people have to know me well enough to be able to call me on it when i'm going down the wrong lane. i have to have good friends if that's what i want. i have to be  a good friend if that's what's going to happen.

switching from the old mythology of things being done by others for me to save me, to responsibility where you own up for things you must.

why can't i just call it a day in this simple line right there? i mean, i know why. i've got to write it down. it will help me flip the script.

maaaybe when i'm done, i can be a professional script flipper. heh, i like the sound of that:

Michele E.. Miyamoto, M.Ed., Professional Script Flipper

ok, back to work!

been an interesting year, LOTS of stuff going on.

in march my sister had a baby, Liam. good god, he's so cute.

my brother got married in April. we all traveled down to Florida where he lives and had a good time. my divorce had been finalized two days before we took off. driving around in a red Jeep Patriot, the kids were goggle eyed and wondered why we didn't live there...

in May school ended and I went down a rabbit hole of helping a friend finish up his school work in the face of some serious difficulty - an adventure that took us both by storm into August.

in July, my other sister and her fiancee came into town and got married. it was so awesome to have family in my neck of the woods...i had to give a speech since i was the maid of honor. it was just so cool to hang out with everybody. everybody is getting older and obviously doing their own thing. somehow we all have this jarring response...but you were much younger!

In August we spent a lot of time around home visiting markets, and doing beaches and summer concerts...i just wanted to spend all of my time in the northeast kingdom where it's quiet and gorgeous. i also got attuned and am now able to do reiki (a japanese relaxation technique)

in sept, school started again. will's in 3rd, steven in 1st and Miles still in daycare having a good time. i enrolled in two classes, ed research and a sociology course "demystifying schooling."

in oct, I turned 31. i'm in burrowing mode now. I'm stewing over the interviews that were conducted for my research class and thinking a great deal about the way I've handled myself the last 15 years to be particular.

here's my outcomes so far:

.....oh, we have choices in life. i haven't been making choices, but reacting to things...how might it be different if i were making choices?

.....i didn't know very much. it's really important to be empowered to learn and grow. it's important to be able to feel comfortable with supports too.

....i wasn't always thinking. i think i'm thinking, but i'm often annoyed that things have gone the way they have. not realizing i could have been more proactive.

....i'm on the look out for injustice. realizing this, i want to do more than notice it and get mad.

....i don't often tell people how i feel. it's one thing to tell people when things are good. it's another to be somehow cool and yet tell people when things are not right.

...i have been working really hard to be who I am. but I have been doing that alone. I don't want to do things alone anymore.

so some changes:

1. find out what I"m doing that I have choice in. (oh, everything! lol.)

2. decide what I'd like

3. make moves.

4. have supports that work - give and take.

5. be honest.

6. be brave.

7. learn how to hug and also dance

.

when i was maybe 10 years younger, i used to write elaborate lists about things I wanted to learn and accomplish. some of those things I"ve done. but now, look at this list, it's gotten a lot simpler. and that makes me quite happy.

hope you are all well, xanga land/ xangafriends....

work work work work

5:30 up with pinchy miles. huh. steven knocked one of my curtains down by sitting on it....errrrr.

6:00 bubbling oatmeal, coffee, cups of water, finding spoons.

6:30 chasing miles to dress him. smell that weleda calendula all over him. he REALLY doesn't like his cool new shoes someone got him....

7:00 jumping into the shower and dressing while Miles sits on the floor really sad that his brothers got to leave the house with their dad. (they took a walk to school)

7:30ish...dressing still. towel drying the hair. picking up sniffly

7:50, I drive over by the school in time to catch the boys walking up the sidewalk to school. they see me!

7:55: dropping off miles at daycare. we had a moment of gazing into one another's eyes. he's still so wonderful!

8:ish...work.

paperwork.

data entry.

phone calls.

appointments.

internets.

appointments.

scheduling things.

drawing up contracts and schedules.

lunch at 12 - glad to get out of my office.

back at 1.

more of the same.

it's 4:06 and I'm really exhausted.